Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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