last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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