oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Boobs are out for the taking
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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