Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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