There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
