I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize