oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
