i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
