Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
