i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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