I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
