I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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