I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
