I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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