Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
