How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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