Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
