remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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