I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
