my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
