Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
