just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
