I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
