Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
