I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
