Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
