its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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