Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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