Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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