May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
