I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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