Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
