4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
