I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
