I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
even my farts smell like vagina
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
