I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
