you would pick up someone in the library
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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