mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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