my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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