So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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