Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize