I wish I could teleport
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
home. puking in laundry basket.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
