U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
