Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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