Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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