he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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