Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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