Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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