I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
