i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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