I just pynch a tree in the face
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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