Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize