I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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