The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
