You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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