i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
im holly from the hills drunk
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
