my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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