Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
