so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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