Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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