I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
